First day of school

A mix of fear and joy for Year One pupils

- http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/12/30/nation/10177853&sec=nation

Indulged in nostalgia while reading the article~

I still remembered the very first day when i went to standard one, it was an afternoon class.

I had no idea what was going on, as kindergarten was quite relaxed for me.

Daddy brought me to school. 

He stood outside the window, together with all other parents. 

It was glass window, half opened so that the parents could see what their children were doing and how they were doing. 

My form teacher was Ms. Tan, Chinese, pretty, strict. 

The very first thing i was taught, was how to stand, bow, and sit upon the teacher entering class. 

I was very very confused. My Chinese was a headache back then. The words qi li, xing li, chen lao shi wu an sounds alien to me. 

I fumbled and stumbled like a kid below 7.

Yet, managed to get it straight ^^

First class was nothing much but writing on names on the black board, and to my horror, in Chinese. 

Cant really recall how i escaped/ pull through. 

But recess was pretty soon, and daddy was outside waiting to bring me to the canteen. 

I was a bit afraid. The school was big. Several twists and turns before reaching the canteen, and the canteen was big! Even the black-colored dustbins were big! Back then in kindergarten, food was served in classroom, and there was no cafeteria, and the waste paper baskets, made of plastics with checkered shapes, were colorful, and medium-sized. 

Everything just gave you a looming feeling in primary school. Suddenly you feel like midget in giant's world.

Daddy was there. 

Daddy didn't earn much. Luckily things were quite cheap back then.

We spent 30sen on laksa, and another 20sen for apollo. 

I love it, and I love daddy. 

Apollo was one of my earliest memories in school- long biscuits with chocolate inside. 

Since then daddy gave me 50sen for pocket money per day. 

School finished, and daddy was still standing outside. I told him don't go, and he stayed. For years I will remember, that no matter what happened to my daddy, I will stay. For the sake of his child, and love~

Daddy sent me back home, where grandpa and grandma started to ask how was school and thing. 

I answered with big gobble of dinner. 

First day of school, real school, formal education- it was with daddy, apollo, 30 sen laksa, kindergarten friends, xinjue and yuensiong. 

Nostalgic~ and, I miss daddy, and the 30 sen laksa~ <3

*cited from http://babygirl-commoner.blogspot.com/2008/08/apollo-wafer-biscuit.html *

明天最后一张paper了。
现在有点解high.
昨晚该睡觉的，可是一直在想着星期六日的校园开放日，自己有题材得present
然后一直策划。
若说自己有ocpd，也不足为奇了。
然后的然后，
是跟同学们去唱歌，
朋友姐姐的婚礼，
圣诞礼物，
朋友的生日礼物，
表妹的生日礼物，
买材料...
考试前后的风景，
一个字：
满^^
饱满，丰满，满足^^ <3

Love-Connection-Sacrifice

Once passed by the CD shop while lingering in the mall with friends. on air was "rising of the planets of apes"

Heard that the review for it was quite motivating.
A look at certain part- yes definitely. despite apes being apes, they are spiced with human's emotions.
Still remember how a king kong flew through a bridge directly to a helicopter, whereby the pilot was trying to shot the leader of the revolting group. The king kong died of protecting the leader.

I cried.
Recalled asking my friend, would you sacrifice for another being?

And now, was wondering, whom have I sacrificed for after living for 22 years?
The same friend, who was also fascinated with Matrix, told me, love is a connection that you are willing to sacrifice anything for the person you love.
Connection. Sacrifice.
Two big words there.

After reading the news on next year's "apocalypse", neural firings were fierce, but incoherent.
Some were directing towards amygdala, some were going to frontal part
Blend of emotions and urge of doing something, while recalling.

What is life?
What, is love?

Thanks to beloved cognition and perception, read an article about 3D visual illusions.
Particularly highlighted this: what you see, smell, hear, touch, taste, are just subjective experiences in an objective, reality world.

Yes.
Where is the definite right and wrong?
Everything is but a neural impulse.

Sometimes kinda thinking CBT has its own rationale.
Neural IMPULSE. at least CBT is dealing with the impulsive impulses, transducted and transmitted via neurons.

Why would love and drug inflict the same brain area?
What is this biological implication trying to tell us?
Get in control is the key, just like drugs. They can be good when you are sick, and they can backfire when overdose.
What is the lesson that i am sent here to learn?

零度空间

2012 年，人心惶惶。
刚刚看了篇报导，说，不是世界末日，而是零度空间。
这之间会有很多人死。

我都在干什么了？

2011, 13-12 星期一

十二月十三号，一点十三分，Rapunzel 的童话闭幕了。
谢谢，这童话，很唯美。
谢谢过一切。

站起来

反反复复也许是人生，所以情绪。
也不知道反复了多少次，这一刻总觉得，病好了，那一刻，却是永无止尽地痛。
无病呻吟？
有多少人在死亡边缘挣扎，有多少战争，天灾，在蠢蠢欲动，死亡的悬崖，总是突近突远。
但肯定的是，它是大家的终点。
有多少人，即使快到终点了，还是很努力地冲刺，为生命开出最绚丽的火花。
而今，因为儿女私情，把被盖过头痛定思痛了多久？
而后，疼痛为什么还是一直侵袭？
明确的告示是什么呢？
痛，代表受伤，不痛，代表痊愈。
那介于痛与不痛之间的，是什么？

看了一则故事，
说一个女孩因跟男友分手而自杀，灵魂飘到湖。
美丽的湖女神播了一段很唯美的影片，是那个女孩的未来。
她将来会遇到一个很棒的男生，结婚，有个幸福美满的家，然后两人一起牵手到老。
她看着看着，忍不住释怀地说了一句：我以后竟然会这么幸福！
湖女神却平静地回答：不是未来，是本来。
这幸福本来是你的，但是你选择了另一条路，所以，这本来的幸福，成了泡沫。

我相信，每个人本来都有幸福，而且，跟人生中的危机是好朋友。
如果，危机渡过了，才会看到幸福。
但是不是草草地渡过危机，而是细细品赏，好好观摩这旅程，马虎不得。

所以，现在该做的，乐乐，站起来。
不管多痛，要站起来。
哀悼是对爱着的事，人，最后的思念与执着。
但是过渡的哀悼，就是颓废了。
伤心难免的，接受，疗伤，站起来，好吗？
我们，一同站起来，
向我们本来的幸福挥挥手~

蚀

Found an un-post old post inspired by solar eclipse.

昨天日食。
一向以来，这种可爱的事情都是他说的。

活在过去，只是蚀了现在。

好想，一个人，静静地，想想自己的人生到底是什么。

哭了好久，哭着睡。
然后想，到底是哭什么？

知道吗？过了近乎半年了，才找到理由。
其实是一直逼自己想他，也是一直在逼自己回想到他的一切。
因为，心灵上的联系，在家也找不到。
而后，还得顾上他们的期望，因为达到这种期望，你才是你。

好想就这么一个人静静地，想自己到底是怎么一个人。
而不是，
老是有人跟你说，从小，你就是如此如此，不懂爱，不会关心别人，所以感情，友情是一派胡言。
好像不知不觉间，也变成如此。还是，以前就是如此？

蓝天

倒数五天期末考。
今天花了一天念一课－很慢，但是学到之前不知道的东西^^
十点是该去做笔记的时候了。
现在，为今天的心情作笔录。
我们也渐行渐远了。
自己再也没有去细数我们之间的脚步跟距离。
不是不重要，而是，从走向另一端的那天开始，我们的步伐就不一样了。
其实想起来，很好。
把心思从你那里掏回来后，发现自然界的物语，原来，它们每天都在说话，诉说今天的天气，它们的心情。发现原来朋友用心在说话，诉说他们对自己的关爱。发现，原来没有了，不代表倒霉。爸爸说，塞翁失马，焉知非福～
现在，我有点感受到了。
今天看见朋友临期末还得参加星期五女友的毕业典礼，竟然也可以很坏地笑他没时间念书，还炫耀单身真好～
是不是害怕爱情？
其实，从心理学，我学到一件事：要么选择极端，因为一点不如意的事，选择极端的想法，做法。然后当别人旁问时，就赖到周围所有事，自己除外。
这次，很受伤啊～可是，如果没有伤痛的提醒，下次遇到幸福怎么会知道那是幸福呢^^
所以，没有害怕，只是，成熟了:)

那天，在学校的树下看到这景象

看到叶子上的洞洞吗？那透过洞，看到的，是不是蓝天呢？

没错，是一片蓝天～

不管心里面有多少洞，在淌血，很痛，可是如果勇敢地看伤口，原来伤口又故事想说～

不管伤势如何，每个人的内心，都有一片蓝天～

所以，我们都会好起来的～

离开阴霾最好的方法，就是走向阳光～

雨

雨停了。

当树叶跟花瓣洒落一地，

屋檐的水滴，

一滴一滴地，

掉到心坎里。

谁说，

雨后的景象不美呢？

雨停后，

心湖的水，也止了。

不为谁而扰乱

그냥

一个发现：现在式换去过去式，即使字不变，语音亦变。文字都如此，何尝人呢？


恋情告急，结束。现在式的是，现在的自己。进行式的是，生活。过去式的是，随着心痛眼泪而埋葬的恋情。缺的不是现在，此时，此刻，而是对过去式没有完全掌握好。心痛于昨天，大哭于今天。没有事是持续ing，因为，今天的ing，明天的昨天。过了。过去式。


其实把自己做到最好，什么都一百分，甚至一百零一分，不会杜绝伤害跟疼痛的。所以，该做的，不是怎么更上一层楼到两百分。Self-empowerment is better than perfectionism. It is how in handling situation than doing in a situation. 

爸爸

今天跟爸爸谈了很多。
我觉得，自己念心理学跟爸爸有很大的联系。
从星期五到刚才，不管哭了多少次，眼睛肿得快变眯眯眼了。
跟爸爸说话后，才发现，不管没有了谁，我还是有爸爸。
也许是工作的洗礼，我们没有像以往那么亲近。
但也因为工作的洗礼，爸爸变得很看透，很多事情，都教我放下。
他怪自己没有好好指导我，导致现在一点小情绪就被摔到大西洋去。
其实是自己没有好好向爸爸学习。
小时候都因为他凶巴巴，再加上他是家里的纪律主任，哪敢太靠近他。
长大了，明白爸爸当时的痛跟苦衷。
想象一个大男人，便帮女儿检验伤口，便心痛。
这些，是妈妈告诉我的。

我也从不知道，爸爸为了我的快乐，愿意受起千夫责。
是女儿不孝。
跟着观点走，没有错，但是就忘了，家有家规。
野蛮人很多，总是不讲道理的，气得你有时真想当着大家痛哭。
如果没有爸爸，我不知道会哭多少次。也许，会发疯。

爸爸，谢谢你。
我想说，真的，很谢谢你。

Your story might not have such a happy beginning, but that doesnt make you who you are.
 It is the rest of your story. Who you choose to be.

How did you find peace? I took away your parents. Everything. I scarred you for life.
"Scars heal."
No they don't. Wounds heal.
"Oh yeah, what do they do? fade i guess."
I don't care what do scars do.
"You should Shen. You have gotta let go of that stuff of the past, cause it just doesn't matter.
The only thing that matters, is what you choose to be now"

Shark night

Wrapped up last piece of assignment- treatment proposal and went out with friends, decided on shark night as both me and Yin are shark genre's lovers.

Cool. The starting was just as predicted- steamy, and out came the shark snapping its victim beneath sea's calm surface. Immune.

Hope it was not going to be another Piranha story....

It turned out to be very different, at least the story line prompted thinking.

Vengeance? Sense of control while manipulating other's life? Interest, er, no, Fetishism @@
Gosh that was really gory when the sick men threw humans into the lake just like that, with hungry sharks lurking ><

Yes labeling is bad- but to be honest DSM is out of even just a label for them

When it comes to distorted thinking, humans can be really insane...

想念

在social network看到一则故事，说是第一次带爷爷去坐飞机，吃麦当劳。

我突然想起很多事情。

小时候，去幼稚园的途中，爷爷总是会在半途中停车，然后让我跟表妹玩扭扭机。

那时候，扭扭机很著名，最大的乐趣莫过于扭蛋，然后把蛋敲开，取出里面的玩具收藏。

爷爷总是在那个马来老伯伯的小店停下，让我们扭蛋，然后乘机买糖果，小零嘴。

公公－车很旧，很老了。从小到大，每当要去哪里，最深刻的印象就是那架老老，白色的老爷车。

当时还小，对品牌很懵懂。每次去

其实，想想，也不知道为什么会生气，伤心，然后哭。
自己做的事，做的决定，就自己负责，对吗？
说了自己的立场，就不该管辖别人会怎么想。
毕竟，如果不说，他人也不知道他们已经超越自己容忍的界限。

其实，是自己不应该再拿朋友来当借口。
毕竟所做的，好像已经超越朋友会做的事了。

在难过的，其实是气自己没能保护自己，反而更能包容他人，纵容他们得寸进尺，对吗？

当朋友没有不对。
对朋友好，也没有不对。
是自己尺度没有拿捏好，让他人乘虚而入。

也不能怪他。
他本来就不是这样。
这只是他的面具，真正的他，应该就像哈利波特最后一集里的小孩，浑身是伤，躺在火车站椅子的底下- 是伏地魔的灵魂。
不是说他是伏地魔，只是，内心的那个小孩，应该是受到很多创伤，所以，才会这么自私地把自己的快乐建筑在别人的痛苦上。

其实自己内心的小孩也受过创伤啊。
也不想怪谁，毕竟，谁的童年，过去，是没有一丁点的伤痕。
只是，要不要让自己痊愈而已。

我应该要把自己的力气从他那里拿回来。
别人要怎么生活，做什么选择，是我，没法左右的。
我只能让自己变得更好^^

加油！^^

当看到信息那刹

其实话已经说得很清楚了。
只是不知道为什么会痛，泪水在没有前提的情况下就流了。

现在，我在想，为什么会有那样的感觉？
若是不明不白，留有揣测的机会，胡思乱想岂不更痛？
其实现在这样很好，有很多时间想之前草草带过，视之不见的问题。

其实没有太难懂，真的。
若说，话还没有更清楚的话，行动已替话表明了。
就连mind那么抽象的东西，心理学家们都选用一个人的动作，表现，来推测state of mind
为什么还要再投不信任票？

并没有要否认伤心疼痛的事，但现在想起来，为什么要为自己的选择而难过？
而参与者也表态了，自己，也决定尊重他的意见，看法。

觉得啊，现在该做的，不是回避，对参与者不闻不问。
而是，该反省，为何会痛？
痛的原因，真的是因为自己所坚持的原因吗？

今天的能量，要多调调~

本质

有个东西，一直都是重重地。
但大家老爱把它给背上，说：不重不重，就那么点量而已。
旁人好心劝说，它是个包袱，很重的包袱，背着它，老年来会腰酸背痛得不得了。
更糟糕的是，因时时要顾虑着它，在人生的旅途中错失了不少风景。

大家对旁人说：是你背它的方式背错了，才会诸多问题的。
我们还年轻，没问题的！

旁人知道，忠言，不逆耳，因为经验比忠言更逆耳，逆行。

于是大家背着它走上人生的旅途。

它带来很多甜蜜，大家很开心没有听旁人的劝，势要“做自己”，依自己的想法走下去。
就算失误，大家信誓旦旦地说会对自己的选择负责，因为长大了。

于是，从“它” 跟“大家”的关系，“它”逐渐占领举足轻重的位置。
大家开始担忧“它”会失误，会破碎。

不知什么时候，“它”开始变重了。
大家都有此感觉，但还是坚持着最初的快乐- 因为这点快乐，“它”，不可能是包袱。重，只是过渡期，之后就好了-大家安慰自己说。

后来的重，是不容置疑，不可忽视的重了。
有的因“它”而病了，有的因看不开而自我沦陷，甚至自取性命。
大家开始动摇了- 其中有些人，很干脆-扔下“它”，继续往前走。
有些人对此嗤之以鼻，认为这是没有恒心，自信的表现。
于是，继续背着“它”，往前走。。。

多年后，扔下包袱的人，成了旁人。
旁人再度遇上大家- 大家已被磨损了，精力耗竭了，双眼所缺的，尽是当年自己看得至高无上的自信。

旁人不忍，告诉大家：其实，“它”的本质，确实是包袱。
如果你更加保护它，那它只会随着自己的地位变得越来越重。
放下它，打开，仔细看看是什么，然后只取对自己终生受用的就好了。

大家愤怒，不相信自己以前看错。
“它”，绝对不是包袱！
于是，继续背着走，背着走，背着走。。。

从此，成了“它”的奴隶，任由摆布。
偶尔，大家埋怨：我从不曾放弃你，为何你给我越来越重？！你是不是想成为我的包袱？！

多感慨，多自相矛盾啊！

它本来就是包袱，本质是不会因感情的多少而变的。
反之，是人们喜欢用自己付出的情感来衡量未来的得失。
行不通，因为，唯一能变的，就是停止再放感情于“它”身上- 这大家都有能力。
唯一无能为力的，是让“它”变质。

事情有多少对错，不关本质的事。
它本来就是这样。
是自己选择特定的看法，然后在受到压力，得不到回报时再诬赖本质。
本质好冤枉哦...

Peter Suart

I love books with simple pictures and meaningful wordings^^

On my to-buy list:
1. Secret of the universe
2. The love of learning

In search:
One couple two cultures (currently not found yet)  :(

Worst has yet to come when you laugh^^

My parents are really cool in a way that they actually laughed at me when i ranted using mumbo jumbo emotional words- getting them to Sympathy is a definite No-No, but Empathy, yes yes- provided it is spiced with considerable rationality^^ Every time when i am painting with blues and woes, there is a definite criticism, discounting on the blues, saying how bad an artist i am with blues.

Love it when every time talking to daddy, especially, i ended up laughing, for a moment forgetting what is the real serious issue that is worth frowning about :P

This is nice- stop brooding, and start living by laughing^^

I am gonna be a parent like that to my future child :)

When you laugh at your "concern", it got so mocked and teased that it doesnt dare to rally in your life ^^~

Thanks daddy for humor, thanks mommy for structured analysis + advise^^
Life is lovely ^^ <3

yes i have been ranting a lot, creating great grandmother story bout how i have not spent my time wisely and effectively in korea. sometimes, just cant help but doubt, is that even a right choice to go there? but there is always reason behind every of our actions.

and i see the reason^^

whether or not i have gained something in korea is of trivial, as due to that choice, i am now joining an entirely different batch, with every members in the batch closely-knitted like family members^^

what can you ask for? the entire class creates a very conducive atmosphere for studying, and even during lessons. lecturers are pleasant, and i feel i have learned things, as compared to previous semesters with cramming of journals and facts which now, i dont know where i document them in LTM storage ><

i started off liking the class, and i am loving it now ^^
thanks for the help my dear friends^^ i really love you all :)

the key

too much of city dumbs and numbs the senses- hence the yearn for escapade to the suburbs without honks and yanking.

however people of the suburbs may be thinking: too much of the suburbs understimulate senses. i want some honks and yankings.

looks like there is no absolute.

appreciation is the key^^
generalized stereotype of city often blinds senses over tiny lil's spot that speaks differently of a stereotyped city^^

aside from food blog with E (*hopefully could kick start with our suffocating schedule and pocket money), gonna snap pictures that speaks the contrary of city :)

my first step of appreciation by viewing the tiny through lens^^~

happened, happening^^

雨果说：上天给人一份困难时，同时也给人一份智慧。

记得小时候看过四格漫画的雨果传，隐约记得他是有心脏病的。
可是为了保持健康不让心脏病发，他每天积极运动，最记得的就是他每天游泳。
好像活到90+岁，远远超出了医生对他所剩生命的预测。

it is just bless in disguise.

things don't just happen. everything happens for a course, a reason.
remembered saw this somewhere, and it slipped into mind relatively easy, recalled relatively easy, but application wise, it suddenly becomes something very abstract.

see not the happenings, see not the reasons of it, but see the adjunct of happenings. (me^^)

it has been long~ yes blind over what has happened, coz no matter how many times you review it in mind, whatever happened remains happenED.

blind over the reasons of the happening, coz no matter how many times you squeeze your brain juice to catalyze thinking of reasons, that is just gonna be like a magnet that triggers you in thinking of more, and More, and MOre, and MORe, and MORE reasons...and you got drown by lists of reasons, which even confuses you more as to why the happening happens.

blind over the question of who is right, and who is wrong.
who is there to say there is definite right and definite wrong when it comes to things that are legally exceptional? even monolithic Law is created by humans, who are imperfect.
brooding on who is right and wrong yields nothing but confusion.
there is no need for practicing social exchange theory- listing down what i have done right, and what have the other person done wrong.
it is not a fair game, it is merely our perception, and off course whatever from us will only support us, not with the purpose of annihilation.

we are what we are because of what happened in the past.
a sincere thank you to them because they are life lessons- despite unstructured, but in order to survive from ourselves, our potentially detrimental thoughts, they are nonetheless the best manual guide.

pain heals, and the part that wounds grow stronger^^

doesnt mean that it refuses to experience and be hurt once more, it is just more open to embrace pain and hurt as part of the whole^^

rebirth

somehow had a feeling that people who are trying to walk out from a developmental crisis, this is their most vulnerable state, yet blessing- coz this is the chance for them to repaint their life portrait.

phoenix- death, and rebirth.
there is always dying before birth.
heart dies, but experience grows.

it is the cycle of life.
take it, or suffer from resistance.

纯粹一种因神经元而起的感觉，


加一点点的想法, 


再回忆一点点的记忆，


再加上一首很伤感的歌，


再加一幅快乐里挑伤感的眼镜


- 痛，不过如此。


难怪蔡澜说年轻人总喜欢庸人自忧。


想起来，这种添加，应该用在research 里，而不是elaborate神经元的function~

spell P-A-I-N, P-A-I-N-T

painful- a feeling, a type of sensation that is perceived as uncomfortable, upsetting- functional wise it serves its purpose of forewarning an impending danger. But when wounds are imprinted, that is when the sensation is nagging, attention-seeking.

it is weird enough to have people avoiding pain as much as they could, yet obsessed about the pain and compulsively avoid the pain by visiting them, again and again, with the purpose of systemic desensitization?
will constant revisit of pain and painting out the painful episodes help in numbing a person towards pain?

surprise how complement pain and paint are- there is therapy requiring client to paint out their feelings, thoughts- what they paint also include their pain. catharsis, a better way for entering the client's world.
but what if individual becomes her own painful episode's van gogh, painting one after another, revisiting them again and again, hoping systemic desensitization would work.
yet undeniably it is better than sitting down brooding over the pain, enlarge the pain, and paralyzed by the pain.
painting the pain, is torturous while painting, is murderous while revisiting, is the surge of on-the-verge-of-getting-insane feeling while recalling and submerged in details, but after some time, it will be out of the league of sensation. sensation no more, perception no more. it is just, paintings that are hung on the life's museum, occasionally go there and appreciate our once upon a time artistic skills.  

brain DRAINED

brain is soo on fire due to excess neural firings @@

as long as cant find a perfect way to help, i just wont stop- not because i wanna rescue, but as a human, i want to help another being stepping on the fine line, between life, and death. 

一个机会的评价

每个人都应该被给一个公平的机会去证明自己。

如果带着有色的眼光去评价，那学到的事情就很少了。

Bunny

bunny头歪歪地，急坏了人。大家都不知道为什么。

云姐姐知道－是bunny告诉她的。
因为．．．
我是很乖的bunny，所以，
天使姐姐为我带了个光圈，重重的，所以，头，就歪歪了。

可是我却急坏了妈妈，让她为我团团转。
我知道她很爱我，起早贪黑地为我早餐，固定观察我的状况。
所以我告诉天使姐姐，如果当了天使，我一定要在天堂上，一直看着妈妈，一直守护妈妈～

妈妈，不哭了～
其实你能多睡一会儿，不用为了我操心，我真的很开心～

妈妈，我没有走哦～
我一直都在你的心里^^

With lots of love ~

goodbye to the old layout ^^

啃肯～

心血来潮，买了toblerone 来啃。

好友们都知道，我是啃巧克力大王－当大家都说好甜的时候，我的，已经啃光了。

我就是一个那么爱甜的人，明明知道凡事不可过火，但是还是津津有味地依偎在甜甜的怀抱里～

今天，破天荒地，我竟然对巧克力腻了。

一根toblerone，啃得我心慌慌，到最后竟然有种快要生病的感觉　><

所以凡事量腹而食，度身而衣，不无道理。

人，就是不行每件事都想甜甜地过。

甜到尽头全是腻，蛀牙伤身。

人生亦是如此。太甜则不切实际，不甜则皱眉忧郁。

涩涩甜甜的～好甘甜的人生～^^

人生

我们来办家家酒-你是悲伤，他是快乐。两杯参杂喝下- 好纯的人生~


今天，嘴巴破皮了，就以为是冷气太冷了所以嘴唇裂开了。
没想到竟然是免疫力低，肿起来-一个大泡泡-疼~


疼，似乎已经到了麻木的地步。
好像在哪里看到说，摔倒的次数直达麻木时，还站起来，就代表你根本没有被击倒过-如果感觉击倒，那也是脑播放的影像-如果无动于衷，那就变成了假象。


今天，太疼了。
世事本质即是变-没有永恒的道理。
看通了，就不执着，那，也就没有痛了。


几米说过，感谢伤痛让我更灵敏。


也对-不痛不痒的人生，就算有很多快乐-也无从可比，所以，又怎么懂得快乐呢？

痛过哭过后，就站起来。光坐着伤口会会因为坐着的压力而更伤更痛。


站起来，可以选择敷药，选择去疤，选择以后该怎么样才不会再痛。


所以，站起来，即使再痛，也不比失去希望坐着等死痛～　加油^^

Bless in Disguise^^

I have to admit, that BFIA is really stressful. Guess I tend to overdo things- trying to find the best pictures of best angles that portray the best malaysian style @@

And yet, I couldnt help but wanting to say thank you so much to this program, because through the process of preparing the slides, i was reminded of my dear family members- how people just used to taking each other for granted, but your family will stand still for you and protect you no matter what happens. that is family, and that is the ultimate, simplest love one can ever get~

The only reason i want to go back to Malaysia, would be my family ^^

Thank you , BFIA^^

Spell H-A-P-P-Y^^

thank you my dear ^^
your hospitality is really heartening ^^

you taught me one thing:
Happiness is just about having a cup of self grinned coffee in a rainy day, reading a nice book, while snuggling under a nice cozy blanket ~^^
Put aside the exam papers, put away the hustle-bustle; that is how u will never forget how to spell H-A-P-P-Y~^^

You don't pursue, you realize ^^~
Happiness is not running away, instead we chose to run after, when it is stone's throw away, when maybe it is just beside us ~ ^^

i love you~ please take care dear ^^ it is upsetting to hear you cough :(

weird sense of achievement@@

is squeezing brain juice for tomorrow's open test

there are only 4 questions:
1. 1.    What is the theory of two cosmic forces and Five elements and what are their roles in Confucian philosophy?

2. What are the unique characteristics of shamanism and how it is alive in contemporary Korean society?

3. What are the distinctive features of Korean Buddhism?

4. Why is Korean Son Buddhism called ‘pan Buddhism’? 

and here i am trying to find the perfect answer for number 1, and for everyone's information, time spent on question 1: 4 hours @@

well i have to admit reading the 18 page journal on Zhou dun yi's supreme ultimate diagram is not at all easy @@ 

it is a loser phrase, yet i am using it right here right now : i am trained for 1 and half year to study things within, resort to science, resort to definitions, resort to rules, resort to experiments- no prove, dont you even dare to say that-- imagine we even define what is fact, what is inference, what is hypothesis, so what do you expect from a psychology student when it comes to "ultimate void is ultimate principle"@@

i have to honestly admit, despite my liking for philosophy, this is totally faint! 

the 18-page journal ended up nicely gobbling up my 4 hours for understanding and writing it out as answer @@ 

but i feel good peeps^^ 

coz bad to say, and naughty to say :P that i have a few people whom i know mastering in different majors using english, i guess my work for one night can be equated to theirs for a week ^^ so i am so over the moon because i feel i am doing something very Heavy @@

that is a very weird sense and reason for feeling happy right XD 

well i figure i am like that, work myself to perfection, not 100% that kind, at least i can explain myself when self-conscious is condemning me for a lousy work. if the marks are low, i will try to see why ^^ because what is the most important thing, i can understand what is happening myself, not external forces defining what is happening to what i have done, things like marks ^^

lastly, yen^^ fighting ^^ susu su slarp!!! ^^ 

Happy^^

Today i am happy ^^

I was in dire need for help for the wednesday paper- since it is 3-5 pages, and I do not wanna rush over it and submit my own crap without proper citation, trying to ask around for psychology friend's id and password for logging into the journal website of our uni's library ~

well worth trying one by one coz you never know who is gonna lend you ^^
finally Christine lend me ^^
she is always the quiet one in our class, love reading manga, especially khonan^^ haha and tsubaki choronicles~
i remembered i worked with her once on IO project^^ she was really flexible and nice working with <3 like it ^^

thank you so much christine ^^
wish you all the best for you thesis proposal kies^^

One Step by A Time 一步步

不知道什么时候，自己也变成了自己很讨厌的类型--攀比，管别人的成绩。
not like asking around would score yourself a point.
완전 허송 ><

今天，很感谢日本老师答应让我们上课。
其实不该埋怨- 最愚蠢的莫过于为了他答应让我们上他课的理由而难过。
不是因为咱们极力争取，因为在这儿一段时间，直到有些事情，特别是科目，无论怎么争取, no matter how beautifully phrased the promise is, well, it remains as stereotypical type of promise-- promise wont come true.

其实目的已经达到了-学日语。
为什么犯了一个自己已经明白很久的道理-- 目标达到了，在没有伤天害理的情况下。那为何要这么在乎目标是怎么达到的？
把帮助我达到目标的人当贵人，也许自己也比较开心。

很久没有自我分析，所以在想，也许是来到这儿才发觉自己有多么地不足，很多事情得靠朋友- 地理性--去哪儿玩儿， 韩语，我宛如初学者，牙牙学语的小孩，stumbled my way upon the unknowns, letting it tearing down my self esteem.
就是因为有比较，所以才一直觉得很不堪，什么都不好，再加上自己擅长的一直没法发挥，也心急交朋友，所以言语上也变得不可爱了- 喜欢八卦，喜欢埋怨，喜欢talk in conforming manner.

难怪会觉得怎么来韩后好象变了另一个人。
很谢谢今天的日文课， 让我重新再发觉，人生如果学习是为了攀比，那如果再也没有攀比后，是不是就一直颓废着不学了，止步了？
为什么要让攀比支配自己的人生，让它决定我要学什么，逼自己什么。

学习不是就是学自己喜欢的？
就像当初，对日语的热爱。

原来最近感觉老师这个原因啊~
所做的事情缺了热爱，热诚- 都变机械化。

原来我脱轨了。。
很难过的一件事--我竟然脱轨这么久了。
可是也很高兴。
就是因为脱轨，然后再让我发现，才会更珍惜正常行轨的日子~

今天的目标：31-3-2011
走自己的脚步，不要转头看别人怎么走。
因为我有我自己的风格。
但如果有人摔倒或不会走路，我会扶他/她一把~
这样大家都开心^^咱们，可以一起走~

工作-辛苦

五点了。
我没有埋怨，因为我明白，选择了就是代表一份责任，一份尽力。
原来，这就是为工作而拼命的感觉。
其实感觉蛮不一样的，跟念书不一样。
念书是拼命 XD
其实现在也是一样 :P
只是不一样的是，感觉不孤单，因为都有朋友们陪着念书~

突然想到，工作辛苦赚来的钱如何使用。
华人嘛，节俭是美德，通常总是把辛苦赚的好好存起来。

但我有一个打算：把它们全用尽！
I have a plan~
这是jennifer lopez 在 the backup plan 里面的一句~
随着一声ding,观众们得到了答案--她所说的plan是什么。

也许，会有那么一个ding~
然后我喜滋滋地写下花钱过程~^^

但要花也花得不易~
得先去research ^^

已经有点adrenaline rush 了~
所以，明天再加油~
努力赚钱，然后努力花完！^^
先写下免得忘记~

blah blah star^^~

another realization that struck today- I nicely prescribed a standard for my blog @@

hope i am not the first geek to bound everything with standards, even something as simple as blogging. 

these are what i told myself:

- precise usage of grammar (which i am still gonna stick to, except apologies for some slang :P)

- blog only on things that are philosophical, opinion-based, or quotes. short stories can be blogged occasionally- but not too much as it is another way to assess one's inner world. 

- blog nothing about complaints or negative feelings. you don't feel comfortable having it choking in your chest threatening to burst out via verbal means- so there isnt a point really to contaminate and suffocate the blog with complains. 

now that i reviewed my own 'standards'- holy mackerel...

i started to suddenly realize, that it is NOT shameful to share negative feelings. 

whatever i have encountered, others might have encounter, or, yet to encounter. 

sharing yields advice, broaden horizon and eventually, as an experienced person, giving out advice to help the others who are in the same situation. 

the culture says you shouldn't exhibit feelings- it is the weakest point of human being, and thus, the strongest weapon that can be used against anybody. how ironic...

i dont feel good about this- why suppress when you can express? being able to express and interact is such a great gift~ off course, do not take self expression for granted by tinting it with heavy tone, generally acknowledged unpleasant gestures. expression is about getting your point to the other person, not straining the relationship. the goal of expressing-- therefore, should be crystal clear--aim to tell, to share, not harm, revenge, insult.

why the sudden enlightenment? 

i just read tuesday with morrie^^ good book, it is (Yoda style~)

a shift in taste that delights^^

recently realize that i am starting to like things that i do not like before, and found them cute^^~

i have a confession to make: recently i am obsessed with memo pads ^^~
thanks to elaine who delighted me with korean cutest memo pad ever, i started to like them and eventually, i got to know bout domo-kun-- a japanese character which is simple, yet i found it cute now^^
simplicity reaches the heart best-- guess it applies ^^
i still remembered the first time i saw domo-kun.

being a memo pad geek means some memo pads are meant to be kept and not for usage.
so i bought another one with domo-kun, not because of liking but simply because i need something to use while others became collector's collection ~ <3

and that is how i like domo-kun@@
weird enough XD

lil peep of domo-kun^^ simple, yet cute^^ <3
in addition, it has a very cute origin too^^~
domo, in japanese means thank you, kun, mr/mrs~ (literally: mr/ mrs thank you^^)
awww~~ so cuteee <3
somehow reminds me of my two best friends, ian and fifi~ because you guys seem to have the same gestures domo-kun is doing ^^ like this one--garu garu kepala XD ian always do this when you are recalling to him how was he like when he was in semester 1, while fifi always do this when she pretend to forget what she had said coz the reality is opposite to what she said XD so to cover up the embarrassment she will scratch her head a lil, with her head tilt a lil ^^~

domo-kun~~ no mu no mu kawaiii desu^^

je ka a chuuu chuu waaa <3 

gereso, domo-kun soft toy sa go shippoyo^^~ <3

梦

做梦的梦？

不是。

15分钟前，为了一件自己很在乎的事，边打网志，边哭翻了天。
因为事情看得太重，瞬间觉得想就一直这么地大哭...

直到点击了朋友上传的youtube 影片...

人，为什么活着？
梦。

多简洁，但锤在心上的力道，又何止止于一字？

我，为了什么而哭？
小事。
会随风而去的事。

但我知道，这是必经的过程。
长大的时候，甜甜涩涩的，所以才美味，才知道甜是怎么样的。

JH,谢谢你share 这个影片~

爱

别自怨自艾说没人爱...


为什么要依赖别人给的关心与爱？


有个字，叫自爱。


如果这个都不懂，别人就算爱了你，你也不会觉得被爱，不是吗？

^^ me~

something that lies within our hearts ever since we are born-- and it is inborn-
we are born to love and help^^
there is no such thing as do not know how to love, or bystander...

all comes down to whether it is being unlocked~^^

*my thought^^

~Silence soars, because Heart speaks^^~

Date:18th January, 19th January, 2011 ^^

Just Heart Work babe^^*~

Heart series # 1

front view*

zoom in view*

back view- a brooch*

sparkling loves, and stars in jar^^*

Heart series #2

Heart series #3

side view*

front view*

view from top*

blink blink star in blooming season ^^*

ocean blue quill to jot down daily lil'dots until they become a journey ^^*

back view*

building blocks= hearts^^*

Nicely tie this post with heart series #2 and #3^^~

Sequins ^^

This year is gonna be different...i told myself. 

Things look and feel different when for the first time, family is out of the story. 

When family is out of the story, differences made by their mere presences turns out to be another difference that needs adaptation. 

So in short, that means singing birthday song with grandpa and mom and aunt and uncle and cousins, getting presents from them, eating red-colored eggs, having nicely prepared dinner...well they are there, just need to ransack my memory folder and play them, again and again...

And suddenly i realize i am making myself pathetic > <

Mommy always tell me, life is about transitions, and whatever you yearn for now might be different from the one in future. Therefore it is always wise to not leach yourself to one particular aspect of life. 

Guess it is time for me to realize-- it is not dooms day when you simply do something different!

I kinda' like it a lot^^ ~ to have my birthday celebrated with friends^^

Feel remembered, feel being cared, and feel special^^=

A weird hobby of mine-- kinda don't really tell people when is my birthday unless being probed @@

Psychology friends had hard time figuring out..not to mention probing :P not until they saw my IC..ohhh~

(PS: my another weird hobby--i don't usually put birthday date on social networks :p exceptional case-- when i am not very good in editing personal info, etc.)

Some sweet messages that I got from dear friends^^ They just remember^^ and the fact that they just remember, without any reminder from social networks-- that just shows they care for you^^ 

and most probably keep revising your birthday date until it is stuck firmly in memory, together with academic jargons and tonnes of screaming journals titles, names, etc > <

why said so? 

because if you don't revise something, most probably the info heard is so gonna be like masuk telinga kiri, keluar telinga kanan XD coz the pathway Decays :P

Below are the birthday sequins~ each overloaded with wishes^^ and together, they light up my 22nd birthday ^^ blink blink^^~~~

1. The gan-cheong master-- JYao

他很可爱地从五天前就帮我倒数~谢谢^^ 

倒数五天哦~~~^_^~~

*january 14 at 12:36am

12 more hour^^ hehex~

*yesterday at 12:44pm

继续倒数~~~7个小时35分钟~

*yesterday at 4:25pm

 

生日快乐啊~~
祝你念念有今日~岁岁有今朝~
要天天开心哦~
你的庆祝和礼物~就留到你回来马来西亚位置吧^^
嘻嘻~
要好好过每一天~
等你回来=p
加油！！

*23 hours ago 

2. Hoodie puller, Dr. Eyelash spokesperson-- JihooPiseth

Happy Birthday to u Shine!!! All d best in things come to u!! Prettier cuter smarter cleverer n more popular!! Wish u successful in everything dat ur doing!!! ehehehehehehe it is really nice to no u!!!
*yesterday at 8:38pm


3. My psych bestie, Ee Min Ho die-hard lover-- Patricia~
Check your inbox please.. hehekz..
Happy birthday~~!!

*23 hours ago

Inbox message:^^ (sorry sayang :P it is really nice that i wanna share it^^) dun worry will cite you^^*

Happy Birthday to my dearest bestie, ROYCE aka Tan Wan Yen~~!! ♥ Here is something for you. Hope you like it. I cannot post it at your wall coz its too long :P

***************************
Hari berganti hari,
Sekian lama aku menanti kedatanganmu,
Menjejak semula ke tanah air dan menanti saat kita bertemu semula,
Duniaku tidak seindah dahulu ketika kau berada di sisi,
Kegelapan menyelubungi atmosfera duniaku,
Namun kau tak pernah jemu dan mengalah dalam persabahatan kita,

Jauh dimata dekat dihati,
Bergunung kerinduan hingga robohnya benteng keegoan menahan sebak di dada,
Kini aku hanya dapat menatapi wajahmu melalui gerbang teknologi,
Mungkin kau bahgia disana,
Mungkin aku terlalu menjauhi diri,
Sehinggakan wujudnya perasaan yang meracuni pemikiran kita,
Tetapi percayalah wahai sahabatku yang sejati,
Aku sayangkan dirimu seperti kita bersaudara,

Selamat hari lahir yang ke-22 sahabatku, Royce.,
Moga-moga tahun ini membawa erti yang bermakna buatmu,
Dengan itu aku akhiri penulisanku dengan menyatakan aku adalah Cutie.. hehe..
Seorang insan yang sweet dan comel selalu,
Itulah AKU, sahabatmu dan jua your bestie..

-Feza-

Happy birthday to you,
you are born in the zoo,
with my gee2 and your bunny,
happy birthday to you...

WWWeeeeeeEEeeeeEEeeee~~!! ♥ ♥ ♥

*23 hours ago

(aaa patricia^^~~~~ so cuteeee~~ cant wait to teach your gigi swim^^)

4. Buddy~

Happy birthday..:)

*23 hours ago

and he drew me a real nice picture^^ with my favourites in ^^ 

even though it is not tangible, but thanks a lot buddy^^ 

ur drawing reminds me of you busy with your pens and papers during borin' lessons XD (the we-know-what subject  ;)

5. Class rep for batch 10-- Ryan

Testing ppl ar u! Nvr put birthday information O.o Happy Birthday :D

*22 hours ago

6. Jason

Happy Happy Birthday!!

*22 hours ago

7. Sue May

Heyhey Happy Birthday! =D

* 22 hours ago

8. YuanRu

HAPPY BIRTHDAY^_^

* 22 hours ago

9. CHLi

happy birthday shine! :D

* 22 hours ago

10. EvelynDoremi~^^

Wishing you many Happy returns of the day ^^

* 15 hours ago

11. LYen

happy birthday~
still the same words, always take gd care of yourself.
all the best and enjoy ur big day~~~

* 14 hours ago

12. WKuan

my dear, hapi 21st..

* 12 hours ago

13. JoJo Scissors^^

MAMMY AH!!!! I'm so sorry ytd I'm so damn blur T_T I meant to wish you happy birthday wan but then after talking bout the thing yesterday, it slipped my mind. I wish you a very happy birthday, and thanks for giving Sunshine in my life ^^ MUAKX!

* 12 hours ago

14. MeiMiaow~

Happy Birthday Happy Birthday ~♥♥
shine shine shine keep your =) spirit
happy happy stay happy everyday
♥

* 11 hours ago

15. SHa~霞

Happy bday my dear!! ♥

*1 hour ago

16. Fan凡

Ehh.. Forgot your birthday ah? My facebook bday system is missing T_T
Happy birthday anyways =D

*1 hour ago

17. Mudster

its ur birthday?ahh..facebook got prob de.never show ><
anyways.Happy birthDay ya:D

*1 hour ago

Huggiess for all the sweet wishes^^*